When kids play alone

Before I became a parent, I had the usual unrealistic expectations: My kids won’t throw a tantrum in the mall. My kids won’t eat dinner in front of the TV. My kids certainly won’t go out in public with messy hair and mismatched clothes.

But I also had a few twitchy notions that I am still clinging to after almost six years: My kids will behave in restaurants, so help me God. My kids won’t sleep in our bed. And, most importantly, my kids will know how to play alone.

I was a champion at playing alone as a child. I would come home from school, have a snack while I did my homework, put away my clean laundry and disappear into my room — all alone — as quickly as possible. My poor little sister wished she had a more sociable sibling because she’d wait all day for me to come home from school and then promptly be ditched.

When our oldest was a baby, I’d set him up with some toys, play with him for a little while, and then slip away to see if he’d continue playing. Over time, he learned to play longer and longer. These days he gets quite cranky if he doesn’t have time to play alone, either quietly building Lego creations or acting out little Playmobil scenes.

Our youngest plays alone well, too, often with the Barbies, the play kitchen or the construction set. But unlike her brother, she’d happily play with someone — anyone! — than play alone.

Sometimes she’ll be pestering her brother to play with her while he’ll be simultaneously bugging me for screen time and it feels like no one EVER plays alone happily, but then there are moments when I’m loading the dishwasher and suddenly notice the silence echoing in my ears.

I’ll lean out of the kitchen and see them each playing separately in the living room — one at the Lego table, one at the Barbie house — whispering to themselves as they move the toys around. It’s magical.

I’m always a little surprised when I talk to parents who complain that their kids are just not very good at playing alone. “They always want me to play, too!” they moan. “They follow me the second I leave the room!” “They won’t play by themselves at all!”

It’s kind of fascinating. Maybe some parents are teaching their kids to play alone without even realizing it? Maybe other parents are raising super-sociable kids who thrive on being around other people all of the time? Or maybe it’s really an introvert/extrovert thing? All I can say is, it must be freaking exhausting to have to entertain a child during every waking (non-screen) moment.

As a card-carrying introvert, I fall into the parenting camp that believes playing alone is a life skill. It’s the foundation for being content with your own company! It’s when you make up little games and listen to your own thoughts! Without alone time, I would never have gotten the (awesome) idea to mix up concoctions of leaves and powder and water and cram them into my Darling Dreamer doll’s animatronic mouth.

Although our kids have outgrown naps, we still have “quiet time” every afternoon. If they’re getting along well, they might play together. But if there’s any sniping or tattling, I remind them they “need a little alone time” and send them off in separate directions. Heck, even my husband and I need chunks of alone time almost every day — he plays Call of Duty and I’ll sew, craft or read. We’ve always maintained that not spending every waking minute at home together has been a key to staying together almost 16 years.

We all need to be alone sometimes, kids included. It’s not bad parenting. It’s not ignoring them or neglecting them. It’s setting them up with skills they’ll need for the rest of their life, because people who can entertain themselves are never, ever bored.

Heather Laura Clarke is a freelance journalist who married her high-school sweetheart. They moved from the city to the country, where they spend their days chasing their spirited five-year-old son and sassy three-year-old daughter. Follow their family’s adventures over at at: www.LaptopstoLullabies.com.